“Here’s the thing,” he told viewers. “I don’t care if you’re male or female, what sex or gender identity someone is, I — and I mean this sincerely — do not want to share a bathroom with anyone. For two reasons: No. 1 — and No. 2.”The “Late Show” host wondered why public rest-rooms even existed, pointing out that his bathrooms at home had only one toilet each.
“When I am forced to use a public bathroom — which is infrequently, thank God — I go in there with blinders on,” Colbert said. “I don’t know who’s next to me. It could be a centaur next to me, for all I know. I don’t even like to look at myself in the mirror afterwards. I know what I did. I’m there for a surgical strike — get in, get out, minimal casualties.”He said a more reasonable rest-room-related law would ban chit-chat.
“I’m not there to make friends,” Colbert said. “If we’ve just come out of a movie and you’re standing next to me, I don’t want to talk about how irreplaceable Robert Downey Jr. is as Iron Man. I don’t care if you’re Robert Downey Jr. yourself.”
Colbert then offered a special message to GOP lawmakers who wanted to legislate the private business of using a public rest-room.
“Second, if you’re a fan of mine — that’s wonderful,” he continued. “Please don’t try to shake my hand in there. Because I know what you just shook. Also, if there are a bunch of open stalls, don’t take the one next to me. It’s not the buddy system.”
“To all those lawmakers out there who are so obsessed with who’s using what bathroom and what plumbing they’ve got downtown — newsflash: You’re the weirdos,” Colbert said.