"The Michael Steel Experiment"
That giant groaning and moaning sound you hear is the Republicans reacting to the surprise news that Michael Steele is running for reelection as chairman of the Republican National Committee.
To most coherent humans, Steele's defiant obstruction to the chair is defying all logic, sensibility, and political acuteness, and Michael Steele isn't going away quietly. Despite earlier rumors to the contrary, the embattled Republican National Committee chairman told a conference call of GOP officials Monday that he will seek another term as RNC chair.
"Yes, I have stumbled along the way, but have always accounted to you for such shortcomings," Steele said, per a prepared statement obtained by Politico's Mike Allen. "No excuses, no lies, no hidden agenda."
The RNC chairman spent nearly a half-hour defending his tenure, trashing critics who talked "smack" about his troubled fund-raising efforts. He urged GOP officials not to "look backwards" and to allow him to "finish" the job he'd started. "Our work is not done," Steele said. "My commitment has not ended."
Yet Steele faces a tough road ahead in what is an increasingly crowded RNC chair race. Already, five Republicans are vying to replace him, while another two are eying the race. An informal survey last month of voting RNC members by the Associated Press's Phil Elliott found that most oppose a second term for Steele.
Steel is a buffoon or epic proportions and is certainly not exclusive when it comes to tripping over his tongue.
Michael Stephen Steele (born October 19, 1958) is the chairman of the Republican National Committee, bizzarro Barack Obama, former lieutenant Governor of Maryland, and Fox News contributor.
Steele is seemingly the next model in a recent line of inept Republican officials who have risen to power simply because they are seen as an antidote to a major democratic candidate rather than being something unhelpful like, say, a strong advocate for their constituents positions.
Through his frequent use of "slang" and attempts to appeal to urban youth, it is unclear if Steele is actually an African-American holding a high office in the Republican Party or just trying to be what most Republicans officials imagined an African-American holding a high office in the Republican Party would look like.
In either case, Steele is ironically a poor man's Barack Obama who was created for the rich man's political party, making him like the sharper image of American politics.
After obtaining a Jurist Doctorate, Steele becoming a corporate lawyer, Steele then failed the Maryland bar exam. He also went on to run a failed legal consulting firm. This would become a pattern for the lose lips sink ships harlequin gangsta called Michael Steele.
It was around this time that Steele realized his potential as a political pawn was far more promising than his career in corporate law and he decided to begin working for the Maryland Republican party.
In what must have been a scene out of a Mel Brooks film, Maryland state party officials were most likely dumbstruck upon first meeting Steele, but quickly guided him up the ranks until he was nominated as a candidate for Lieutenant Governor. Unfortunately, unlike most actors in Mel Brooks films, Steele did not disappear to never be heard from again.
In September 2002 during a governors' debate, Steele and others reported that Oreo cookies were tossed on to the stage in a tasteless display of racism. Some opponents claim that no Oreos were actually found, while others argue that the disrupters were instead using them to antagonize his gubernatorial opponent.
Steele was elected to two terms as Maryland's Lieutenant Governor, becoming the state's first African-American statewide elected official while simultaneously being it's least qualified. This marked the first time that both opponents and supporters of affirmative action had the opportunity to be outraged about the same thing.
In 2006, Steele ran unsuccessfully for the Senate with the help of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney.
At the 2008 Republican Convention, one of Steele's first major acts as a national public tea bag, was to introduce one of the most irritating political cheers in American history: "Drill baby, drill." In an interesting turn of events, this phrase would later be chanted by legions of Sarah Palin supporters in a frightening display that would reaffirm why most black people wanted nothing to do with the Republican Party.
The ability to incite white people in cowboy hats to angry chanting and the inability to understand the nuance of a global energy crisis being major qualification for the position, Steele decided to run for chairmanship of the Republican National committee. Steele refuted critics by saying, "I am a Republican who happens to be African-American," which brought the total number of individuals believing that to one .
After the political success of Barack Obama, the GOP decided to capitalize on the trend and promote the only guy who looked like Obama that they could find to be the head of their party, Michael Steele. These events have led many to wonder what would have happened if the Democrats had a major female presidential candidate and the Republicans then decided to promote an unqualified woman to—oh wait, enter Sarah Palin.
Soon after his election, Steele immediately went on the offensive, declaring he would give the GOP a "hip-hop makeover." One of his first orders of business was to go on every talk show and newspaper possible and use phrases like "off the hook" for his campaign strategy and "bling bling" for his opposition to the stimulus package. There is some debate as to whether this was to lure young African-Americans to the party or simply to remind everybody of his ethnicity, but one thing has been determined: this strategy is less appropriately likened to Newt Gingrich's Contract with America than it is to the first time you heard your mom say "talk to the hand."
The argument that Steele is simply trying to appeal to a younger, hipper audience in these interviews has led many to question what the exact circulation of The Washington Times is in "the hood."
With Republican funds in short supply after the 2008 election, Steele decided that it would be a perfect time to remodel his entire RNC office. It is currently unclear if it is the energy platform or the economic platform that requires having a bowflex for the office.
During his first embattled month on the job, Steele guest hosted the William Bennett radio show. In addition to attempting to draw connections between the Obama and Nixon administrations as well as referring to Benito Mussolini as "Roberto Mussolini" (a common mistake among people who skipped 10th grade history), he also claimed that there's no such thing as global warming and that instead we're in a period of "global cooling." Not content merely being in the minority of scientists and school children, he went on to explain that Greenland is called that for a reason, an error that could have been avoided simply by paying attention to that woman from Iceland's dialogue in D2: The Mighty Ducks.
Though it's easy to say Steele was not initially aware of all the intricacies of Republican strategy, it became immediately clear that he had not even read the memo of what his party's been about for the last 10 years.
Among his first orders of business were stating that abortion should be a woman's choice and that homosexuality is something you're born with. Initially, this could be mistaken for an individual trying to advance a dying party into the 21st century. But that would only be the case if the individual were pretty much anyone who is not Michael Steele.
Steele also confounded everyone by declaring that Rush Limbaugh was not the de facto leader of the party and that Limbaugh's show was "incendiary" and "ugly." Unfortunately, this major, noteworthy statement was delivered on D.L. Hughley Breaks the News, which is the Meet the Press of Saturday evening, comedy-news shows no one even knew existed.
But such clearheaded, on-par-with-the-majority-of-the-country thought can only be short lived at the RNC, and Steele quickly apologized for all of these remarks, clarifying: "Words that I said weren't what I was thinking. It was one of those things where I was thinking I was saying one thing, and it came out differently."
NFTOS will leave you the readers with some Steele points to ponder:
- Steele has said that he likes old school hip-hop like "P. Diddy" as well as the Dean Martin and the "Pack Rats," proving that in addition to being unable to live up to the hype of his chairmanship, he cannot effectively live up to the hype of the two stereotyped constituencies he's trying to appeal to.
- He has claimed that his gaffes are all "strategic." Many observers of this unique stratagem are anxious to discover where screwing up Mussolini's first name fits in.
- Joe the Plumber has been an outspoken critic of Steele, though that could be because he's still trying fit together the words "black" and "republican" in a context that is not followed by "walk into a bar."
- Steele once declared he offered "some slum love" to Bobby Jindal, which is either an incredibly poor formed Slumdog Millionaire reference or a semi-severe venereal disease one might contract at a Cincinnati massage parlor.
Its a great thing for Democrats that Steele seeks a second term as the RNC. He is the card that completes a inside straight.
Steele's (King) suit flushes in well with the likes of fellow axis of idiots, (Ace) Sarah Palin, (Queen) Christine O'Donnell, (Jack) Sharon Angle, and (Ten) Michelle Bachmann.
Lets hope Steele is elected in before the Republicans find that brain they have been seeking, as ousting this king know-nothing would a be a travesty to future political fodder.
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