GOP ONION

Since the GOP regurgitates their GOD Ronnie so often, we thought we would post the resurrection of the GOP's high and mighty.






NFTOS
Staff Writer
Steve "Damn Nazi Liberal" Chevapravatdumrong

WWTJS

What Would Teapublican Jesus Say, you ask?






NFTOS
Staff Writer
Steve "Damn Nazi Liberal" Chevapravatdumrong

FAMILY VALUES, TEAPUBLICAN STYLE

Teapublican Family Values = Newt Gingrich

Using Newt Gingrich and family values in the same sentence is like saying faux News is honest and "fair and balanced".

Newt Gingrich is smarter than you and I readers. But don't feel bad, he's smarter than everybody else, just ask him.

The problem with Newt is - the garbage bags he tots around with him just doesn't support his theory of his holier than thou teabagger attitude. Newt so aptly appoints himself CEO of 'family values", yet nothing in the last 30 years substantiates this claim.

Character plays a hug part in ones ability to manage and lead, and while I have a multitude of issues with Newt's policies and ideas for how to "regress" our country, we have to be able to move forward or get past his "baggage" before we can even debate whether Newt has a clue or not on running the most powerful land on terra firma.

Roger Simon of the Reid Report nails it by saying:

"Anger, umbrage and bitterness are so much a part of Gingrich’s public persona that he likes to attack the very concept of happiness."

The below tweet says it all, but if you still are enticed to follow this pasty lard ass, see the facts below. Then if you still choose to follow this pasty lard ass, your are as hypocritical and disgusting as he is!

                      The Resume of the "Holy" one:

Adulterer: 

Callista Bisek, Anne Manning, The unnamed "young volunteer". Are we missing anyone?

Draft Dodger:

Though he relentlessly pushes military spending and talks like the chicken hawk that he is, Gingrich avoided the Vietnam War through a combination of student and family deferments. (He married one of his teachers at age 19.)

Dead-Beat Dad:
If asking your wife for a divorce when she is battling cancer in the hospital is not enough; shortly after the cancer ward visit, Newt stopped paying alimony and child support. Jackie had to take Newt to court to get him to contribute for bills, as utilities were about to be cut off.

Family Values?

"He walked out in the spring of 1980.... By September, I went into the hospital for my third surgery. The two girls came to see me, and said, "Daddy is downstairs. Could he come up?" When he got there, he wanted to discuss the terms of the divorce while I was recovering from my surgery." - Jackie, his first wife. One of Newt's daughters from that first marriage, who is also a conservative columnist, recently disputed that story (after Newt co-authored a book with her), saying among other things that her mother Jackie had initiated the divorce and that "the tumor [removed in a surgery the day before] was benign." Of course no one knew the tumor was benign at the time, so I don't know why that is supposed to matter. And CNN recently found court documents that show that Newt did in fact initiate that divorce.

House Banking Scandal: Newt Bounced 22 Checks 

Then there is the House Banking scandal, where so many congressmen wrote rubber checks on government money? Newt hopes you don't, because he bounced 22 himself, which almost cost him reelection in 1992. His vote for the secret House pay raise, and the chauffeur who drove him around Washington in a Lincoln Town Car, didn't help.


Questionable Book Deals:

Two times did Newt struggle with book writings and scandals. Both with Rupert Murdoch (Yes owner of Faux News). It seems Newt was offered first $2.5 million, then $4.5 million by Harper Collins, a publishing company owned by Rupert Murdoch, who also owns the Fox TV network and newspapers and TV stations around the world. Murdoch has been having problems with a complaint by NBC that Fox is a foreign owned TV network, which is against US law.


GOPAC:

Newt in his political career was the king of using tax-payer subsidized donations for his personal and political purposes. He stooped so low as to hijack not one but two charities for poor inner city kids and use their donations for his personal goals.

GOPAC is Newt-ron-bombs longtime political action committee, was the centerpiece of a complex network of non-profit, and mostly tax exempt organizations that Newt has used to support himself and other conservative candidates. In an act of incredible hypocrisy, this crusader against taxes obtained taxpayer subsidies for his personal and political goals, by misusing these tax-exempt groups.

Of course, using tax-exempt educational or charitable donations for partisan purposes is illegal, and several ethics complaints were filed against Gingrich. He agreed to pay a $300,000 fine for misleading the committee during the investigation, and in the process dodged conviction on the actual charges through a combination of finessing some legal definitions, sheer self-confidence and raw political power (as Speaker of the House at the time of the complaints, he appointed the ethics committee. Furthermore, GOPAC had one ethics committee member on its roster last session, and gave money to another.)

The Ethics Committee dropped its final charges against Gingrich not long before he resigned as speaker, despite finding that Gingrich had in fact violated one rule by repeatedly using a political consultant paid by GOPAC to develop the teapublican political agenda, because there was no evidence he was continuing to do so.

Newt's history as a serial adulterer and husband did didn't mean a thing to the "Family Values" mob in South Carolina, All that matters to these troglodytes is the fact that old Newt really despises that Big, Black, Bolshevik Boogieman in the White House. That's good enough for them. He told the white South Carolinian (99% of SC GOP that voted in primary was white) that he didn't merely want to bloody Barack Obama's nose, he wanted to "knock him out". He'd have done much better in the final tally had he just told this crowd that he was in the mood for a good old fashion lynching. String him up! That would have brought out the radical rights base alright - in droves.

But Newt, the self proclaimed "best man to articulate" the GOP "racist", "hate the poor and finish them off while your boots on still on their neck" ideology", did us one better.

By constantly referring to "food stamps" and "welfare", Gingrich lassoed the imaginations of the white supremacist, and was able to paint a black face on nearly every issue. He knows that the only way the teapublicans are going to take back the White House next January will be by appealing to the very worst in America's historical character - and Newt Gingrich is the world's outstanding authority on the subject of bad character. All he needs to do is exploit the irrational prejudice toward the most oppressed people in the history of the human race. And to do so under the guise that he has the almighty on his side? Hell must be beckoning.

The teabaggers are as radical as they come, South Carolina showed us that last Saturday -Not content with firing the first shots in the South's losing war against the United States of America, South Carolina this past weekend reaffirmed their status as inbred morons by handing a victory to Newt Gingrich in the Republican primary.

Let's face it readers, garbage from garbage, it's just more garbage.

I leave you with this thought: If a woman cheats on her husband repeatedly she is called a "whore", but if a man does it, the GOP calls him "frontrunner".

NFTOS
Editor-In-Chief
Roger West