The Ten Commandments Rev 2.0

As told by Bill Pickering

Move over Moses, Republican Jesus is here and he’s pissed. All you weak, frail libtards need to leave Merica now. He’s just minted a revised Ten Commandments – The American Edition. He saw me in my cammo gear, coming back from a sweaty weekend of paintball and invited my up the hill, in front of a burning Quran.

He said these will be found in the new version of Exodus – once all them terrorists, rapists and druggies leave to go back to Syria and Mexico The He laid the following on me –

I - I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, because it smells and is filthy and full of foreigners . You shall have no other gods before me, except the NFL, NASCAR, & pursuit of a dollar.

II - You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, unless its used to damn the Hispanics, the welfare recipients, the informed without healthcare.

III - Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Unless you’re not making your margin, then rotate and spilts shifts so you don’t have to pay overtime and make those lazy slobs who were too stupid to make a business of their own to work to cover your 24 x 7 internet business (remember – order online and you don’t have to pay sales tax!)

IV - Honor your father and your mother, Not you Mother and Mother, or Father and Father.

V - You shall not murder*. *except if you don’t like their skin tone, they’re not Christian, they’re foreign, you need their oil, they’re a gynecologist who will perform abortions, they’re the guv’nmint and they made too many laws restricting the 2nd Amendment.

VI - You shall not commit adultery*. *unless running for office, then its okay, just switch religions at every third divorce (see Newt Gingrich)

VII - “You shall not steal.

VIII - You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor; unless he’s running against you for office, you’ve poisoned his water, he’s informing someone about something you did that will hurt them

IX - You shall not covet your neighbor's house; just wait till he goes bankrupt and then you can buy it from the bank for pennies on the dollar. (see Donald Trump or attend Trump University for more information)

X - You shall not covet your neighbor's wife; especially if she’s a pig (I mean, c’mon just LOOK at that face). However, if she is really hot, you can.





NFTOS
Staff Writer

Bill Pickering

TEN COMMANDMENTS, AS WRITTEN BY THE CONSERVATIVE

REPUBLICAN GOD RONNIE "BONZO" REAGAN

Most humans with an IQ above one hold a firm belief that religion and politics should never be mixed. These are two subjects that by themselves are controversial enough, let alone mixing them together. Our Founding Fathers knew this, which is probably why they didn’t use the word “Christianity” even once in our Constitution.

Our First Amendment clearly states that, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…” and individuals like Thomas Jefferson had several documented instances where they said there should be a strict separation of church and state.

Even within Christianity there are many different denominations, so if we can’t agree within the same faith on what to believe – who in their right mind would believe one faith should rule this country?

Conservatives often make a barefaced effort to inject religion into their policy making as much as possible. When it comes to economic policies they suddenly forget that Jesus Christ spoke out against greed and focused on the responsibility a society has to its poor, needy, sick and elderly - unlike the ilk of the conservative, where the motto is 'me', 'me', 'me' ita all about "me'.

Tin Foil Hat Society members are not actual Christians, they are a mix of political ideologies tossed in with a handful of passages from the Bible. Let’s be realistic — when it comes to the Bible, most of these so called Christians pick and chooses which passages they want to follow and which they don’t - much like the U.S. Constitution.

Listed below are what most intelligent Americans would explicate as - based on what the GOP currently stand for;

The Republican Ten Commandments:

Thou shalt worship no other Americans but Ronald Reagan.

Thou shalt pay no attention to the fact that tax rates have nothing to do with capitalism. Remember, we were in fact a nation based on socialism before 1980 when our savior was elected.

To speak ill of Ronald Reagan means you are not a real conservative.

Thou shalt honor Ayn Rand’s economic ideologies, but ignore the fact that she was an atheist who thought religious people were fools.

Thou shalt respect your mother and father by ensuring that we privatize Social Security and Medicare so that private corporations can profit from these programs.

Guns are the only means of salvation. Thou shalt live in fear every moment that someone is out to get you.

Though adultery and divorce are acceptable and frequent occurrences (especially in “strongly conservative” states), it is same-sex marriage that will ultimately destroy the traditional family and ruin the sanctity of marriage.

Women are to be treated as subservient to men. Their rights will be determined by panels consisting entirely of males as it is clear men know more, and are better suited to determine female equality and how to handle women’s health.

The poor are but leeches on society seeking a handout from everybody else. The rich suffer the greatest burden of all and it is your responsibility to ensure that the rich are properly taken care of, for they are the job creators.

Thou shalt remember that greed is good, the poor are lazy, gays are bad, women are wicked, Rush Limbaugh is a respectable citizen, Sarah Palin is intelligent and George W. Bush was a great president.

These “Ten Commandments” have been sponsored by the Koch brothers, big oil, Fox News, FreedomWorks and the Heritage Foundation. Any attempt to discredit this list of sacred rules is just a liberal conspiracy to destroy the United States of America.

NFTOS
Editor-In-Chief

Roger West